Chapter 1: The Impact of Words

This piece serves as my response to Indigo’s article, reflecting on how words can profoundly affect us.

Sometimes, the most painful remarks come from those we least expect. In her book, Chasing the Bright Side, Jess Ekstrom describes how we compartmentalize experiences in our minds—storing away things we believe will never happen to us. This mental box, filled with unimaginable events, surprisingly shrinks as we navigate through life.

I’ve always been guided by my heart, which some might label as reckless. My spontaneous nature often leads me to act without extensive thought. I have faith in the Universe, believing that my challenges will resolve themselves. However, this doesn't imply passivity; I actively seek to move forward.

In July 2018, I fell in love. At first glance, it seemed like a typical romance, but the circumstances were anything but simple. When I shared news of my second divorce on Facebook, a so-called friend remarked, “Des, you’re really good at running.” This comment came from someone who only knew me from a past life, a connection through my then-husband during my college days at Brigham Young University. At the time, I was deep into ultrarunning, so his words could have been easily overlooked.

However, upon rereading his comment, something inside me snapped. Anger surged—why should I justify my choices to someone who barely knows my story? I chose silence, ultimately deleting my Facebook account and stepping away from running altogether.

It became clear that there were emotions I couldn't articulate to anyone. Running had been a temporary escape, masking deeper issues I was yet to confront. Once I shifted my focus from running to writing, the real struggles with my mental health began to emerge. Writing transformed into a therapeutic outlet, allowing me to confront and express what was previously inexpressible.

I couldn’t convey to that acquaintance that my feelings for my then-partner were nonexistent, nor could I explain the weight of years of depression that loomed over me. When I wasn't running, I often envisioned retreating into a fetal position, wishing to slip away into eternal sleep. The complexity of leaving the Mormon faith and my first marriage compounded my struggle, making it even more difficult to articulate my inner turmoil.

As a multifaceted individual grappling with numerous challenges, I continue to learn and grow. I am discarding the notion of that mental box, embracing a world where possibilities are endless. Today, I am happily married for the third time to the man I fell for in 2018, and we have two beautiful daughters together.

To my previous critic, I’d say, “Thank you. I run not from my past, but towards a brighter future.”

We often serve as our own harshest critics, reflecting on our past and wondering about different choices. Yet, at some point, we must release what we cannot change and move forward. For encouragement on this journey, consider reading Debbra Lupien's inspiring article.