The Unintended Climate Change of My Attractiveness
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Chapter 1: An Inescapable Reality
As a climate scientist, I've witnessed the troubling effects of climate change firsthand: rising sea levels, devastating wildfires, and even the emotional fallout from my breakup with Jessica. These experiences have led me to a startling conclusion: by 2030, I am destined to be at least four degrees more attractive.
The data doesn't deceive. My ambition to become a striking figure in the coming decade is supported by both laboratory evidence—my colleagues have noted my expanding physique and stylish hair—and my own daily routines involving showers, cologne experiments, and jeans that accommodate my growing quads.
This revelation has prompted me to make some predictions based on my observations:
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Section 1.1: Hot Boy Summer
Seasonal patterns will shift; instead of experiencing winter, spring, summer, and fall, we will enter an endless hot boy summer. With just a two-degree increase in my attractiveness, the ripple effects will be profound. For instance, I might even consider purchasing a rowing machine.
Subsection 1.1.1: Future Fashion Trends
Section 1.2: The Rise of the Grand-Zaddy
Forecasting from computer models, I predict I could find myself in modeling gigs by mid-decade, and my wristwatch—currently sizable—will expand further by 2043. Droughts may also become a norm, as admirers are left parched in my presence.
Chapter 2: The Consequences of Denial
In the video "See what three degrees of global warming looks like," viewers can visualize the stark realities of climate change, paralleling my personal transformation.
Had the world taken my potential seriously—alongside the policymakers and Jessica—this transition could have been less disruptive. Friends and family overlooked the signs of my newfound dedication to skincare, dismissing it as a mere fad.
Denial will lead us nowhere. If I continue on my path of self-improvement, I might reach an astonishing eight degrees of attractiveness by mid-century, categorizing me firmly in the “grand-zaddy” territory.
The cultural landscape will undoubtedly be impacted. Artistic endeavors will center around my flawless figure, and democracies may falter under the pressure of my evolution. It’s possible that reforms will be enacted, such as forbidding average people from making eye contact with me. Jessica may even one day express regret for her earlier disdain towards my hat collection.
While this evolution may seem inconvenient to some, it’s essential to acknowledge the reality. I understand my warnings may not be heeded. As Albert Einstein, a personal idol, once said: “Let the players play, let the haters hate, and let karma handle their fate.”
I stand by that sentiment.
The second video, "What Could Happen in a World That's 4 Degrees Warmer," delves into the potential repercussions of climate change, echoing my humorous outlook on personal growth.