Chapter 1: The Art of Pretending

People often express astonishment when I reveal that I'm 50 years old. It's not just my looks; it's more about my immature behavior. For example, I refer to my outfits as “grown-up clothes” whenever I step out.

However, I draw the line at the term "Adulting." I find it cringeworthy—worse than the words 'ointment' or 'moist.' This phrase was likely coined to market wine to women before the clock strikes five.

If you’re curious about my secret to retaining a youthful spirit, here are 24 strategies to consider. Start by claiming you're 24 years old. If someone comments that you look rough for your age, simply respond, "Just wait until I’m 90; then I’ll be 32."

You’re not obligated to follow my advice, but if you aspire to be perceived as youthful and carefree like me, you might want to embrace these tips as if you’ve joined a cult where I am your guide to eternal youth. Consider yourself blessed with my wisdom.

Surround yourself with younger individuals to stay in tune with trendy phrases, contemporary music, and the latest workout crazes. Unfortunately, many of those younger than you are now in their 30s and 40s. Ask them what their children do in their leisure time and then say, "Yeah, that’s how I roll too." Don't forget to find out the current slang term for that phrase.

To help you stay informed, watch YouTube shorts and create cheat sheets about what interests younger audiences. Review these notes before bed so you can incorporate them into your dreams.

Record yourself using trendy expressions and listen to the playback while you sleep. It’s reminiscent of those times you hooked up with a French guy during your study abroad years and woke up fluent in dirty French.

Avoid using your phone for recordings; that technology is unreliable. Stick to tape recorders—ask Studs Terkel; he was a pro. And for the sake of youthfulness, don’t mention his name; he’s too old and long gone.

Pretend you’ve never even heard of a tape recorder. Every morning, revisit your newfound lingo and utilize it like a word-of-the-day calendar—if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.

Make sure you know someone aged 18–24; they’re undeniably cool. Remember how much cooler you were back in the day? You had the original Bowie T-shirt, not a mass-produced imitation, but they’re definitely cooler than you now.

Avoid saying things like, “When I was a kid during the Teddy Roosevelt administration.” Instead, start with, “When my mom went to a Madonna concert—" When discussing shows like "Only Murders in the Building," act as if you only recognize Selena Gomez, completely oblivious to the older actors involved. If you mention Steve Martin and Martin Short, feign ignorance about their relationship or mispronounce their names.

Pretend you’ve been tackling global warming all your life, expressing concern about it since childhood. Use phrases like, “Oh my God, he’s ancient. He’s like 40.”

Change all your social media profiles to say you’re in your 30s and hail from California or Hawaii—this conjures images of bikinis and youthful vibes. Conversely, never reference Florida unless discussing visits to your great-grandparents.

Avoid writing articles about lengthy phone calls with AT&T or sharing tales of tech troubles. Wear a confused expression if someone mentions Betamax, a landline phone, or a Benneton sweater.

When a waiter approaches the table or someone speaks to you, check your phone. Text those in the same room instead of engaging in conversation. If an older person hands you a pen, act as if you have no idea what it is. If caught holding it, light it and pretend you’re vaping.

If someone mentions "checkbook," respond, "I haven’t read that yet. Is it any good?" Share anecdotes like, “I was chatting with my great-grandma the other day. She’s super old—like 50—and she told me she didn’t get a cellphone until college. So sad.”

Finally, keep your communication methods a mystery. The moment you mention Snapchat, those young folks will realize you’re out of touch.

Chapter 2: Embracing the Youthful Mindset

Brett Young's "Pretend I Never Loved You" is a relatable tune that captures the essence of youthful denial. It humorously reflects on the struggles of moving on while still holding onto a youthful outlook.

Clara Mae's "When You're Young" offers an official lyric video that resonates with the carefree attitude of youth, highlighting the importance of living in the moment.

Thanks, Andrew Rodwin.

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