Chapter 1: Cosmic Curiosities

In the realm of space exploration, an intriguing object has been discovered, reportedly sending out powerful signals. This phenomenon is as mysterious as my own body after indulging in a hefty burrito for dinner—trust me, it’s sending out some very potent signals that anyone nearby would do well to heed!

The headline that initially caught my attention was: “Astronomers spot mysterious object ‘unlike anything seen before’ — and it’s sending signals our way.” Here’s the image that supposedly illustrates this enigmatic object. But honestly, does it really matter what it looks like? Most celestial bodies tend to resemble each other quite a bit:

Photo by Kelly Jiang on Unsplash

Isn't the cosmos just thrilling? However, let’s take a moment to dissect the phrase, “it’s sending signals our way.” The headline seems designed to lead you to believe that extraterrestrial life might be trying to reach out to us. It conjures up images of little green men waving their fingers in our direction, trying to make contact.

To clarify, any object rotating in space that emits signals will eventually direct some of those signals toward us, albeit it might take eons to arrive if it’s too distant. The article further sensationalizes this discovery by describing it as a "strange, spinning mass" that releases an immense burst of energy approximately every 20 minutes.

Well, here’s another “strange mass” — not spinning, but standing on a rotating rock, releasing a different kind of energy every few minutes: yes, my butt.

Tenor.com

And speaking of oddities, it seems Australia is home to many curious things. Take, for instance, this amusing Australian gem: a woman portraying Lucille Ball, but with an Australian accent. How bizarre is that?

Wikimedia Commons

Kidding aside, we genuinely appreciate you, Nicole. Especially in “Dead Calm” — such a delightful film!

Nevertheless, the research team at the University of Wallamaloo Center for Telescopes was mapping radio waves when they stumbled upon this so-called extraterrestrial signal. Yet, if you continue reading beyond the sensationalized headline, it becomes evident that these astronomers have a clear understanding of what this peculiar object is: a type of slowly spinning neutron star, theorized to exist.

Oh great, not another dying star. Honestly, I’m exhausted by these stories. First it was this pulsar, then Meatloaf. Stars are on their way out everywhere. Why is this newsworthy?

Ah, I see now. It’s all about the revenue. That misleading headline translates into dollars and cents as long as you linger on this page, dear reader. Ads are continuously loading, flashing by like a transient supernova — generating income for someone every few seconds.

The only truly mysterious entity in the universe is humanity — so deceitful and unpredictable that no one can foresee where the next burst of misinformation will originate.

Don’t buy into the hype. There are no aliens. There are no signals. We’re all alone in a forgotten corner of someone’s attic, abandoned ages ago. Accept it and stop fantasizing about E.T. — he’s gone.

The actor who portrayed E.T. passed away in 1983. He was, in fact, Ukrainian, not extraterrestrial. He was proud of his heritage, and one can only wonder if he’s keeping an eye on current events from…somewhere in the cosmos?

In any case, there is absolutely no concrete evidence supporting the existence of E.T., Wow Signals, or other such pseudoscientific claims. Science, perhaps feeling a twinge of guilt for overshadowing religious narratives, has tried to lift E.T. to a status he doesn’t deserve.

I’m not falling for it. As the iconic Patti Smith once said, “E.T. died for somebody’s sins, but not mine!”

Nor is there a “force” — the third part of the trinity that has replaced traditional religious beliefs. In popular culture, it can be represented as:

• The Fathers: (George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Gene Roddenberry)
• The Son: (E.T., Luke, Captain Kirk)
• The Holy Ghost: (The light in E.T.’s finger, The Force, The Q Continuum)

Amen — (I’ll be back, May the force be with you, Live long and prosper)

The parallels are quite remarkable. E.T.’s glowing heart seems inspired by images of sacred hearts often seen on candles.

And in the iconic scene, E.T. could be interpreted as the hand of God, reminiscent of Michelangelo’s famous artwork.

While there's nothing inherently wrong with any of this, it’s disingenuous to market rather mundane astronomy as some sort of divine revelation. It’s so transparent it nearly makes me regurgitate my burrito.

Oops! Another signal from my rear.

I hope you found this amusing exploration of the universe’s mysteries enjoyable, as well as my own personal anecdotes.

Goodnight!