My Struggle with Darkness

My journey began in 2010 when I relocated to the United States, a transition that brought immense pressure as the firstborn in my African family. I felt the weight of expectation to be a role model for my siblings and the family's source of strength.

As time passed, I started to withdraw, burying my emotions deep down. I felt the need to be a beacon of hope for my family, fearing the label of failure if I didn’t. But struggles began to surface.

In 2012, after accompanying a friend to a college therapist, I received a diagnosis of depression. At times, I wished I could have continued life unaware of my condition, but I’m ultimately grateful for the diagnosis. As I became increasingly withdrawn, insomnia crept in, and my days blurred into a haze of exhaustion.

In 2013, feeling ashamed, I reconnected with an old partner, and by January 2014, we were married. Unbeknownst to her, I was hoping for her to rescue me from my inner turmoil.

However, after a few years of marriage, I found myself retreating once more. I knew I needed therapy again, but I hesitated due to my previous experiences and the reluctance to confront my inner demons. This denial prevented me from seeking help, driving me further into isolation. I felt unable to approach my family, believing I had failed them, and I couldn’t share my struggles with my then-wife, fearing her perception of me as weak. Thus, I spiraled deeper into my own mind.

In 2018, I finally sought help from a therapist who encouraged me to speak out. This rekindled my passion for life and self-expression, opening doors for travel, adventure, and reading. Although I enjoyed this newfound peace, I made the mistake of discontinuing therapy, and soon, I began to slide back into depression.

Therapy: A Lifeline

After a series of broken relationships and self-destructive choices, including several suicide attempts during my darkest moments, I committed to therapy once more—for good this time. This marked the start of a pivotal new chapter in my life.

The difference this time was my recognition of the need for genuine help, rather than temporary fixes. This acknowledgment was my first significant hurdle. Gradually, I opened up to my loved ones, particularly my siblings and children, revealing my struggles.

Through this vulnerability came acceptance and self-realization, followed by accountability and self-appreciation. Therapy became my sanctuary, a safe space to confront my fears. As I mentioned in previous writings, journaling and blogging emerged as additional outlets for my expression.

Exploring the Depths of Despair

The depths of my despair felt suffocating and all-consuming. I felt trapped in an endless pit where every thought led to another, making even simple tasks overwhelming. The isolation felt insurmountable.

After my last self-destructive episode, I found the courage to seek help. Returning to therapy helped untangle the complex web of my thoughts and fears. In combating my darkness, I revamped my routine and embraced healthier lifestyle choices.

The journey was filled with ups and downs, and setbacks often left me frustrated. Yet, I learned the value of patience and the importance of embracing the journey. Each setback became a lesson in perseverance and determination.

I built a support system of understanding individuals who wouldn’t judge me. My accountability helped mend relationships with my siblings and mother, allowing me to express myself more freely. I also joined an online support group, which reassured me that I wasn’t alone and that my struggles were valid. Observing others' victories inspired me to keep moving forward.

The Path to Recovery

In my previous writings, I’ve emphasized the significance of gradual progress. It’s essential not to overwhelm oneself, as this can lead to setbacks. Celebrate each victory, no matter how minor.

This mantra cannot be overstated. Throughout my journey, I’ve learned to view setbacks as opportunities for growth, embracing them wholeheartedly.

My evolution has been both personal and professional. I’ve reignited my career aspirations and am pursuing my MBA. I continue to invest in my self-development, eagerly seeking new adventures and cherishing the beauty of life.

Breaking Free: Lessons Learned

Escaping the shadows was a worthwhile endeavor. It required immense resilience before I began to see the fruits of my labor. I had to cultivate self-compassion, which I later recognized as the cornerstone of recovery. Drawing strength from within helped me weather the storm, emerging stronger.

Moreover, sharing my experiences fostered deep connections with others. I realized something vital was missing in my past interactions. I can now trace a path marked by transformation, resilience, and growth.

The journey of breaking free from depression is fraught with ups and downs, losses and victories. While it may lack a definitive endpoint, it is a fight worth engaging in. My story is one of many that have found their way from darkness to light, reminding us that depression does not define us; it is merely one facet of our multifaceted lives.

If you are grappling with depression, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. You are not alone in this battle, and there is hope for a brighter future.

Thank you for your time and attention. I invite you to follow my journey as I continue to share insights from my therapeutic process.