Finding Calm: Techniques for Anger Management and Self-Preservation
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Understanding Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion that can easily take control if not managed properly. Reflecting on my life, several moments stand out where anger took the helm. One instance involved an ex-boyfriend's comments regarding finances that set me off. I have always earned a comfortable living, which isn't a boast but rather a statement of my independence. I don’t rely on anyone else financially.
In that moment, I reacted by flipping over a coffee table in frustration, reminding him that it was mine, bought with my own money. Anger is not an emotion I relish; who really does? I recall a night at a bar when a girl wanted to confront me for accidentally spilling beer on her. I apologized and even treated her and her friends to drinks, which diffused the situation quickly. I’m not naturally confrontational, and I believe some people thrive on conflict, but I prefer to avoid it.
As I’ve matured, I find myself steering clear of anger more than ever. The drama that accompanies it simply isn't worth it, and I actively seek to dodge scenarios that could ignite my temper. Reflecting on my past, I realize that some situations were beyond my control. For example, when I discovered my ex was unfaithful, I felt a mix of anger and betrayal. The emotional turmoil made me aware of my physical state—my heart raced, my face flushed, and I felt the instinct to fight or flee.
In those moments, I remembered some techniques my father used to manage his anger. He had a fiery temperament, capable of escalating quickly, but he learned to temper that aggression, especially with his children. He would take three deep breaths—a common method for managing anger. He also had a saying: "simmer down," which I find much more effective than the dismissive "calm down," a phrase that only seems to aggravate the situation further.
The Wisdom of Generations
My grandfather, born in 1904, came from a challenging upbringing marked by familial favoritism. His mother showed clear preference for his older brother, which left a lasting impact on him. Growing up next to my grandparents, they were almost like additional parents to me. Grandpa Wilfred, despite his past, was a warm and loving figure. However, he had a quick temper. There was a memorable incident when he and my father were driving in San Francisco. My young father upset him, and just as Grandpa was about to strike him, my father calmly said, "Simmer down." This stopped Grandpa in his tracks, as my father explained that letting things cool down, like food removed from a burner, was a way to regain control.
My father might have popularized the phrase, but it seems to have become a common expression in various contexts. Interestingly, "simmer down" has even found its way into music. For instance, Bob Marley and The Wailers have a song titled "Simmer Down," which addresses the importance of controlling one's temper.
The lyrics emphasize the need for self-control: "Simmer down, oh, control your temper!" This song, which emerged in the 1960s, carries a message my father imparted to his own father long before.
Slowing Down to Reflect
When I feel anger rising, I have learned to take a step back. Rather than spiraling into negative thoughts, I might sip on a comforting cup of tea or coffee, allowing myself to reflect on the reasons for my anger. Did someone hurt my feelings? Do I truly want to give them that power over my emotions? The answer is no.
As a high school teacher, I employed a strategy I call "flatten your buttons." Teenagers can quickly pick up on what irritates adults. If I showed annoyance at certain language, they would use it more frequently. Establishing classroom norms early on helped mitigate this. Disrespectful language, particularly terms that demean others, was not tolerated. If students understood upfront that such language would lead to consequences, I was better able to handle any potential anger without letting it escalate.
The importance of humor and calmness became evident. If conflict arose, I maintained composure, reminding students that if tensions flared, I had the authority to redirect the situation. I could step away, have a cup of tea, and consider my options.
The Serenity Prayer
A valuable tool for managing anger is the Serenity Prayer. Whether through prayer, meditation, or simply slowing down, these practices can significantly help calm one's mind and heart. The prayer goes:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I became familiar with this prayer through my family's association with Alcoholics Anonymous, where it is often recited. It serves as a reminder that we have the power to control our reactions, even if we cannot change our circumstances.
For more information about the Serenity Prayer, you can visit the Alcoholics Anonymous website.
In conclusion, I encourage you to adopt my father's phrase "simmer down" or practice "flattening your buttons." Remaining calm can significantly benefit your mental and physical health.