Chapter 1: The Divine Gender Debate

It seems word has reached me from the heavens regarding the Church of England's consideration of a gender-neutral deity. The idea of calling me “they” or “them” simply doesn’t sit well with me.

I mean, let’s get real—God is feminine. Have you ever seen a man bring forth life? I think not! Life emerges from the womb of a woman, after all. The cosmos itself is a creation born from my essence.

Research indicates that among 7,000 indigenous faiths studied, a significant 70% depict the creator as female, bringing forth the universe and everything within it. Should you wish for the reference to that claim, I can assure you it was a jest. But let’s consult a reliable source for accuracy.

“Indigenous religions showcase a vast array of beliefs regarding creation. Some view a female deity as the source of life, while others attribute creation to a male figure or a balance of both. The perception of the creator's gender can change, reflecting societal shifts. Hence, there's no universal trend favoring either male or female creators.”

Isn't it delightful? Just a quick cut-and-paste and voilà, I sound intellectual! After all, I'm the creator of everything, including humans who in turn created AI. So, essentially, I created AI, too—it's a simple logical conclusion.

But returning to the topic of gender: the representation in indigenous mythology leans towards equality, but that’s largely influenced by patriarchal structures that, thankfully, are diminishing.

I’m here to clarify, directly from the source—yes, I’m God, and I possess a uterus. That’s for you, JK Rowling. I might have some stern words for her someday. She conjured up that whole demonic witchcraft narrative, which is quite contrary to what I stand for. Moreover, she has been unkind to trans individuals. I created them too, and while I’m not trans myself, my love for them is unwavering.

Anyhow, I enjoy a good laugh! Comedy trumps all other literary forms for me. Self-help? Not a fan. Medium? I prefer the humor sections, especially the Haven Cartoons.

I repeat: I am a woman. I possess a uterus and yes, I have breasts. Perhaps not the grandest of sizes, but I do have a new bra that adds a bit of flair to my appearance.

So, switching to a female pronoun would be a breeze for the Church—just swap “Father” for “Mother” and you're set: “Our Mother who art in heaven…”

Many may be surprised to learn that I don’t identify as religious. “You’re God! How could you lack faith?” you might ask. Low self-esteem exists even among deities! I sometimes gaze down at the world I crafted and think, “I could have done better.”

But really, I’m just joking. I’m confident in my abilities! However, I believe many religions, whether Anglican, Catholic, or otherwise, often misinterpret the essence of the scriptures. Sure, altering the pronouns to feminine would offer a slight improvement, but the core message remains obscured.

You humans are blissfully unaware of the true nature of the cosmos. If I revealed everything, you’d likely panic! Alright, I’ll give you a brief insight into reality. Your entire universe is minuscule—imagine a table leg, at the base of which lies a wood molecule containing a mere speck. That speck represents your universe.

Thus, you are even smaller than that speck—just a minute part of a grander scheme. Dust in the wind, indeed!

But let’s not forget the fact that I crafted this vast universe from my very being. I am, therefore, inherently feminine.

If you must address the true divine, please use “she.”

Now, I’m off to dance on a table—yes, that’s what I do when I’m feeling a bit tipsy. Do any of you join in such antics?

I often find it difficult to see you all, given your minuscule size. The only reason I can read Medium is that I adjusted my laptop settings to super-sized text!

I’m currently enjoying an article by Christine Stevens. She’s a brilliant satirist and very relatable.

It can get lonely up here in the heavens. Perhaps I should start welcoming more souls. I maintain high standards for those who wish to enter my realm. Historical figures like Martin Luther King and Mother Teresa are still waiting to be let in.

I know, I can be tough! My therapist advises me to ease up on my criteria. Yes, I have a therapist—specializing in those with God complexes. Not sure how effective it is, though.

Now, I’m off to deal with some nausea. Have a blessed day, everyone! Know that despite my cheeky tone, I genuinely care for humanity. You’re some of the most amusing beings I’ve encountered, and for that, I appreciate you.

Oh, and if you venture outside today, consider taking an umbrella. Just a friendly tip!

The first video titled "Our Parent Who Art in Heaven: Church of England's Gender-Neutral God" delves into the discussions surrounding the Church's initiative.

The second video, "God is Non-Binary: The Story of a Transgender Priest," explores the journey of a transgender priest within the Church of England.