Chapter 1: The Unseen Habit of Apologizing

Have you ever observed that when a woman accidentally bumps into someone in public, she instinctively apologizes? In contrast, when a man does the same, he often bypasses politeness and may even react with, “Watch it!” This phenomenon has prompted me to reflect deeply on my own behaviors and societal conditioning.

Recently, I've embarked on a personal journey toward becoming a more nuanced and insightful woman. This journey involves questioning foundational beliefs instilled in us during childhood—beliefs that we accepted without challenge.

I first recognized that I was apologizing far too often, which piqued my curiosity. Why did I feel the need to say "sorry" so frequently? I started to observe who I was apologizing to, how often, and the reasons behind these apologies. I realized I was apologizing to everyone, almost constantly, often for things that warranted no apology or were outside my control.

A quick survey of the women around me revealed that I was not alone. Many were also apologizing for trivial matters and seemed genuinely distressed over these imagined transgressions.

When my mind fixates on something significant, I make it a point to keep it on my mental back burner. Much like everyone else, I have a limit to how many tasks I can handle in a day without feeling overwhelmed. This back burner operates quietly in the background until I eventually arrive at a revelation. After months of contemplation, the conclusion struck me:

You are apologizing for your very existence.

My mind informed me that this behavior had been ingrained in me from a young age, mostly by family and authority figures—whether it was the priest who gave me lessons or my high school counselor. This reflex has become so automatic that I often apologize to strangers in bookstores if they come within a certain proximity, to my children for being too verbose, and even to my doctor for asking questions. At times, I’ve even found myself apologizing for simply breathing.

I’ve decided to put an end to this.

Now that I am consciously aware of this tendency, it frustrates me immensely. It’s no small feat to break a habit that has been ingrained since childhood, especially one that has persisted for decades. Initially, it requires immense effort. However, I am dedicated to this change, hoping that eventually, I will notice a shift in my mindset. This kind of conditioning forms the basis for many underlying beliefs. How can I shake off imposter syndrome when I feel unworthy of occupying space or even breathing?

It is crucial that we stop passing this lesson down to our daughters. While some may believe they are protecting young girls by teaching them to be smaller and more accommodating in a dangerous world, this narrative perpetuates control and commodification. Moreover, it is fundamentally false. Centuries of patriarchal dominance have shown us that.

Despite my efforts, I still find myself apologizing reflexively nearly every day. Change of this magnitude typically occurs gradually, in stages. I am working on restraining my urge to apologize and learning to be comfortable with silence as time passes. One day, I aspire to confidently assert my presence and occupy my space without second-guessing my right to do so.

The first video titled "Stop the Apology Speak" by Shira Miller emphasizes the importance of ceasing unnecessary apologies and reclaiming self-confidence.

In the second video, "Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing!" from The Social, the discussion centers around the cultural implications of excessive apologies among women and the need for assertiveness.

Chapter 2: The Path to Empowerment

The journey toward self-assertion is not linear; it requires persistent effort and self-reflection. As I navigate this path, I aim to inspire other women to recognize their worth and to challenge the societal norms that dictate our behavior.

Photo by Delia Giandeini on Unsplash.