How to Break Free from Self-Sabotage and Realize Your Dreams
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Chapter 1: Understanding Self-Sabotage
My journey toward personal improvement started with an impactful short story from David Eagleman's anthology, "Sum: 40 Tales from the Afterlives." This collection delves into various interpretations of the afterlife, revealing profound insights on leading a fulfilling life. Among these stories, one called "Subjunctive" particularly resonated with me.
In "Subjunctive," the afterlife is populated by alternate versions of oneself, illustrating a powerful concept: these alternate selves made smarter choices, worked harder, and took the initiative to push through obstacles. Their success isn't merely due to better genetics but rather their ability to maximize opportunities. The narrative suggests that one's experience of the afterlife—whether it feels like heaven or hell—is determined by how closely one approaches their full potential.
Having read "Sum" during a pivotal moment in my career, I found it profoundly unsettling. It was my first encounter with the idea of achieving my potential and the daunting fear of falling short. The notion of "reaching your potential" can be nebulous, with countless interpretations. However, "Subjunctive" offers clarity: you achieve your potential when you embrace the company of your best possible selves. If you can envision an afterlife where you are evaluated against your potential—confident that you won't face a hell of regret—then you have lived well.
Living well can be defined as: "conducting your life in a way that facing your potential is not a source of torment." Conversely, failing to live well means consciously falling short of your standards, which is synonymous with self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage can be insidious; it often stems from a rigid definition of potential, equating it solely with relentless productivity. But, as human beings, we are not designed to be mere machines focused on efficiency. If we become overly fixated on achievement and neglect enjoyment, relaxation, and playfulness, we might also be sabotaging our potential—the potential to relish the journey of living, loving, and laughing as conscious beings.
We must redefine "reaching our potential" beyond just the grind of constant hustle. Each individual will have a unique interpretation of what it means to fulfill their potential. Life is a personal journey where you are the architect of your own experiences: "You get to design the board, the rules, and the victory conditions." — Naval Ravikant.
Thus, self-sabotage manifests differently for everyone. While it may exhibit similar traits, its definition is unique to each individual, hinging on their personal victory conditions. The actions deemed self-sabotaging for someone aiming to build a nurturing family may differ significantly from those for someone prioritizing pleasure.
Self-sabotage occurs when we engage in behaviors that detract from achieving our victory conditions, ultimately hindering our progress. Overcoming self-sabotage is not a simple task that can be addressed with a single article. Yet, like many challenges in life, the first step lies in self-awareness. Understanding the reasons behind your self-sabotaging actions is critical to halting them.
Over the years, I have been no stranger to self-sabotage. Through reading and self-reflection, I have pinpointed the underlying causes of my behaviors. This awareness has been invaluable. This isn't a guide promising to eliminate self-sabotage in a few easy steps; rather, it offers a framework for introspection and prompts for journaling to uncover where you may be obstructing your own progress.
What’s the Benefit for You?
The frustrating aspect of self-sabotage is its apparent futility. Why do people act in ways that contradict the lives they wish to lead? It's essential to uncover the "why" behind your self-sabotaging actions, as there is always a reason. Often, the incentive lies in the comfort of familiarity. Even if a habit or environment is toxic, its predictability can seem more appealing than the uncertainty of change.
For instance, a woman accustomed to abusive relationships may find herself trapped in a cycle of toxicity, as the familiarity of being a victim offers a sense of identity. Similarly, predictable paths, even if undesirable, can feel safer than stepping into the unknown. This concept can be likened to the "staying in school" syndrome—some individuals remain in academia not out of passion, but to avoid confronting the complexities of the real world.
Consider an alcoholic who finds comfort in the structured chaos of rehab, despite the painful journey toward recovery. The path to sobriety may be difficult, but it is clear, unlike the ambiguous journey of life outside of addiction. Many people, including myself, have grappled with this phenomenon.
When I first immersed myself in fitness, I envisioned turning my passion into a profession. However, I imposed a self-limiting belief: I had to reach a specific body fat percentage before sharing my journey publicly. This led to a cycle of self-sabotage, where I allowed "cheat days" to extend into weeks, keeping me safely on the path of "just lose a few more pounds."
Journaling Prompt:
- What constitutes your comfortable familiarity?
- What does "playing it safe" signify for you?
- Reflect on why you might hesitate to pursue a more adventurous path—are your reasons valid or merely self-imposed?
- In what ways might you be hindering your progress by clinging to familiar, predictable outcomes?
- What comfort does self-sabotage provide you?
What’s Your Adventure?
Every memorable adventure film shares a common thread: the protagonist faces risks and uncertainties. To create a compelling story, the hero must confront the unknown and emerge victorious. If you wish to lead a life filled with adventure rather than merely existing, you must welcome risk and ambiguity.
Embrace the journey of becoming, the hero's journey. The hero ventures into uncharted territory, facing challenges and returning with wisdom to share with their community. A meaningful existence involves this process, even if on a small scale. Your "dragon" doesn't need to be deadly, but you must have one.
Self-sabotage often arises from a fear of adventure. You may avoid pursuing your true calling in favor of safe alternatives or create obstacles that impede your journey. The first journaling prompt urged you to identify your comfortable familiarity—the identity that holds you back from reaching your potential. The second prompt invites you to consider your adventure: What risks and unknowns frighten you?
Don't shy away from contemplating failure; too often, self-help narratives suggest that failure should never be considered. However, the fear of failure is most daunting when left ambiguous. Investigating your fear can reveal that the worst-case scenario might not be as catastrophic as you imagined.
Journaling Prompt:
- What is your adventure?
- Why does it evoke fear?
- What risks are involved?
- How might failure manifest?
You cannot expect to be in the company of your theoretical best selves if you choose to play it safe.
You Will Eventually Die
Memento Mori. The Stoics often reflected on their mortality, a practice that may seem morbid but is essential for overcoming self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is often cloaked in the illusion of having ample time to achieve your goals. You might postpone deadlines or delay starting meaningful projects, believing there will always be time in the future.
In my own experience, I spent years sabotaging my fitness journey out of fear of the unknown, all the while convincing myself I would act later. I would set arbitrary deadlines, thinking, "I'll take my fitness photos in eight weeks and then begin." But the future is unpredictable; as long as you are alive, you can defer your potential to a future self who may be more driven than your present self.
Awareness of death is crucial for recognizing the harsh realities of self-sabotage. When you continuously generate excuses to avoid pursuing your adventure, you edge closer to a life without achieving your true potential. Acknowledge the familiar comforts that restrain you and the adventures you yearn to embark on, even if they terrify you.
Remember, your time is finite. Stop postponing actions that are not guaranteed to be available in the future. Break free from self-sabotage.
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This video titled How to ACTUALLY Stop Sabotaging Yourself & Overcome It delves into practical strategies for overcoming self-sabotage, guiding you toward a more fulfilling life.
Another insightful video, How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself, offers techniques and insights that can help you break free from patterns that hinder your growth.